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[31 for 21] ~ Why Don’t I Forget?…

25 Oct

Heartache.

Today’s word is heartache.

My question is this: why don’t I forget?
I have read so many blog posts lately in which the authors refer to the fact that their lives are typical and ordinary, so much so that they often forget that their little one has a diagnosis of Down syndrome. Perhaps in the past I have even been the author of a similar post, or subscribed to a similar vein of thought. These days, however, I absolutely do not feel that way. Which begs the question, why don’t I forget?

Don’t get me wrong. I love Jake so dearly. I cherish him, I admire him for the amazing little person that he is. I parent him similarly to my other children, and when I look at him, I don’t see his diagnosis, I see Jake. Period. Full stop.

But still…

I don’t see him through the lens of his diagnosis. I also don’t forget that he has one however.
Maybe it’s just because Cole is catching up to Jake, and beginning to surpass him in many ways. Maybe because of this I am more aware of the things that are different between them. Maybe I am just sleep deprived and it is beginning to catch up to me and taint my perception. In this stage of Jake’s development, however, I feel that the diagnosis of Down syndrome truly does color everything. Down syndrome is never far from my mind. I don’t forget.

And I am tired. Not physically, although I am tired physically as well. I’m tired emotionally. I’m tired psychologically. I am just tired.
Today I had a “chronic grief” moment ~ I went into the kitchen to pour myself another cup of coffee, and Jake took the opportunity to dump his food all over the floor. Again. For the zillionth time. And I cried. I went into my room, lay my head down on my pillow in defeat, and let the tears flow.

I wasn’t crying for the spilled food. That was just the proverbial icing on the cake. I was crying because I’m tired. I was crying because this is sometimes hard. I was crying because I feel I’m failing him. I was crying because there are so many issues, health-wise, behavior-wise, and other that I don’t know how to navigate very well. I was crying because in this stage of life, I find it hard to forget.

Thank goodness Jake is not defined by what I can’t forget, but by so much more:)

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2 Comments

Posted by on October 25, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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2 responses to “[31 for 21] ~ Why Don’t I Forget?…

  1. Johanna

    October 28, 2014 at 7:46 am

    Hugs! You have a really hard job right now (staying home with three small kids). It IS hard, and sleep deprivation is a nasty witch that makes everything worse and suppresses our ability to cope. It will get better once you start getting more sleep. Jakes challenges will remain, but you will be stronger.

     
  2. Jenny

    October 29, 2014 at 10:14 am

    I never forget either. I don’t dwell on the fact Russell has Ds…But I mean, it’s always present in the back of my mind. I had a moment the other day where I broke down and cried…Russell had a “potty” accident and I was just tired of it all. I was sad that he is turning five and we are still dealing with toddler type issues. But hey, what can you do? Anyway…Just wanted to say I can relate to this post. I have enjoyed all your posts this month 🙂

     

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