[31 for 21] ~ Control is an Illusion…

03 Oct


Today’s word is heartache.

It’s the kind of heartache that comes as a result of fear, of worry, of dread.
It’s the kind of heartache that you experience when you are faced with that moment. The moment in which you get a glimpse into how frail humanity truly is. The moment that causes you to gasp, catching your breath in the back of your throat. The moment that leaves you sobbing into your pale yellow hoodie as you explain it to your confidantes. The moment that you realize You. Are. Not. In. Control.

Control is an illusion.

I allow myself to believe I am in control. I have control over many areas of life. I am in charge of my kiddos. I dictate what they eat, where they go, who they interact with, what they watch, when they go to bed, what they wear, and every other part of their young, vulnerable lives at this point. But something is happening in my city and many others which has caused the illusion of control to come crashing down around me, tsunami-like in its power to destroy in an instant what I’ve worked for a lifetime to build.

This headline from CTV News Calgary is what brought me down:

“Suspected cases of D-68, four children in Calgary experience paralysis” (Read HERE for the full story).

I don’t know why, but this is sending me over the edge. Jake, my precious 3 year old, has a diagnosis of Down syndrome. With that diagnosis has come inevitable winter seasons full of sickness, ER visits, and hospital admissions. His tiny body has tiny airways, and every time he gets sick, the sickness knocks him down much faster and with much more power than it would a typical child. And you know what? I’ve made my peace with that. I don’t like it, but I accept it. Hospital admissions, extra oxygen and monitoring, steroid treatments and the like, they are old hat. They have become ordinary. They are manageable.

Throw in the word “paralysis” though, and I am a bawling, blubbering mess. The illusion of control has caved in around me. I know this does not necessarily mean that Jake (or any of my other children for that matter) will experience this. But regardless, my mother-bear response is at an all-time high, and as I worry and fret over the “what ifs”, my heart is breaking with the realization that I cannot protect my children from everything.

Control is an illusion.

*My kiddos. Who wouldn’t want to try and protect these guys?!*IMG_1214





Posted by on October 3, 2014 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , , , ,

2 responses to “[31 for 21] ~ Control is an Illusion…

  1. Maureen Slater

    October 3, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    My goodness I have cute grandkids!!

  2. Shannon Edeonu

    October 3, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    let the Lord show His face n keep that child moving forward…


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