The countdown is on, and there are only 4 more weeks until we meet little Baby #3!!
If you were to ask me how I am feeling at this point, I would be able to sum it up perfectly with this word: CONFLICTED.
…On the one hand, I’m at the stage of pregnancy that is defined by constant discomfort. Between the aches and pains, the heartburn, the sleepless nights, the Braxton Hicks, the lack of energy, and so much more, I feel defined by my physical limitations; a paradigm in which I am not used to living. From a purely physical point of view, I am ready to have this baby anytime:)
…On the other hand however, I cherish the moments of pregnancy that I have left, with the knowledge that they are fleeting, and perhaps about to become obsolete (there is still a raging debate with my husband over whether or not this will happen again for us!!). When I wearily crawl into bed at night, or sit down for a few minutes during the day and take a load off, I can feel this tiny human inside of me, doing a little dance, trying to push the boundaries and the confines of my uterus, reminding me over and over again of the privilege I have to be growing a new life inside of me.
…In one respect, I look forward with anticipation to becoming a family of five! To adding a new life, a new personality, a new tiny little person to our family. I eagerly anticipate meeting Baby #3 for the first time, holding that precious life in my arms, and taking in every detail. I look forward to the moment that Jake and Cole get to meet their new baby brother/sister for the first time; to seeing the reaction on their faces and watching them take in the first moments that promise to change their tiny lives forever.
…In another respect, I am absolutely terrified! I am humbled by my limitations, and thoroughly frightened of trying to be a mother to three tiny individuals, all under the age of 3, the oldest of whom has a diagnosis of Down syndrome and thus is not on par with other children his age. I feel woefully inadequate to handle that much responsibility, and to do so in a way that stimulates growth, development, and security in my children. My fear is that I will be clinging to the edge of sanity with so much tenacity that I will miss teachable moments, loveable moments, or memorable moments.
…So to sum it up, I am scared. I am excited. I am terrified. I am overjoyed. I look forward with anticipation, as well as trepidation. I eagerly anticipate the next stage, while simultaneously reeling from the fear of it. I am conflicted!
And…to leave you with, some pictures of my littles, showing the joy in the mundane, ordinariness of life:)