Today is totally a cheater day.
I am processing the questions that people left, so that I can make sure my answers are a true representation of my thoughts and feelings.
For today, however, I am re-posting a post that I wrote last year. It rings very true for me this morning. We went to a Farmer’s Market near our house. As I was taking in the scene and savoring every second of the morning with my family, I had a moment in which time simultaneously stood still and flew by as if rushing past on its way to somewhere.
Happy (Canadian!) Thanksgiving Weekend. Listen to a little John Mayer this weekend. He’s good for the soul:)
I am a huge John Mayer fan.
Yep, he looks funny when he sings. But I love his music. A lot.
The morning after Jake was born, I was about to go see him in the NICU (see “In the Beginning” for Jake’s full birth story) when the Resident Geneticist came in to announce, completely unbeknownst to me, that they were testing my precious first-born son for Trisomy 21.
As soon as she left, I lost every thread of composure. I called my husband, a sobbing mess, and then hung up and waited for him to get to the hospital. Throughout the rest of that day and the few days afterwards, I could not get this John Mayer song out of my head. The chorus goes like this:
Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train
All I kept thinking to myself during those first few days of grief was how much I wanted to stop the train. How much I desired to go back, to do it again with a different outcome. How desperately I wanted to start over, to return to the time before the cloud of grief enveloped me.
It’s funny, because there are many days now, almost two and a half years later, that I still think about that song. Only now, the context has changed. I want to stop the train and get off, but not for the same reasons. Now it’s because I feel as though life is moving at breakneck speed. Now it’s because I watch home videos of Jake when he was a tiny baby, and I am moved by how far we have come, and how fast the time has gone. Now I just want life to slow down so that I can savor every second that I have with my kiddos.
Perspective is everything.