Ever feel like a failure?
If so, let me assure you, a million times over, you are not alone:)
If we are being realistic, we all do from time to time.
I have noticed in my own journey that it seems to come and go. I cycle through highs and lows, feelings of success and failure, joy and pain, happiness and sadness. I have been told that this is normal. That this is known as “the experience of being human”. So there you are…a little perspective is good for the soul, right?!
But still, I hit the lowest low yesterday.
Looking back, it’s actually quite humorous (I can say that today. I couldn’t say it yesterday).
It all started yesterday morning as I was in a rush to get out the door, and forgot to have my morning coffee.
I was in caffeine withdrawal from about 11am onwards. My headache got worse and worse throughout the day, to the point where I was almost in tears anyway, because the physical pain was so unbearable.
I was sitting in Jake’s room, head in my hands, attempting to muster up enough energy to change his diaper. He came in, and I found just enough strength to pull him over to me, in order to begin the changing process. He got mad (he hates getting his diaper changed, and always throws a fit about it) and flung his body forward in protest. Hard. Right into my face. With such force that my eyes started watering.
I think that was what did it. I mean, come on, my eyes were already watering. I was well on my way there. So, I just let loose and turned on the waterworks. In the blink of an eye, I went from dedicated, loyal mother who was just trying to change a diaper, to sniffling, blubbering mess.
I was crying because my head hurt.
I was crying because I have been feeling like I’m not doing enough for my boys lately.
I was crying because I’m pregnant and hormonal, and although my pregnancy hormones usually manifest themselves in bursts of irrational anger, they decided to switch it up and manifest themselves as unexplainable weeping.
I was crying because I’ve never had a 2 year old before, and I don’t know a thing about discipline, let alone discipline for a 2 year old who has Down syndrome.
I was crying because Jake is the pickiest eater alive and I am dead tired of fighting with him every meal.
I was crying because I just felt like a failure.
What happened next was amazing.
Jake, who evidently had no idea what to do with his blubbering mommy, burst out laughing!! He stood in front of me, and laughed and laughed; the deep, all-consuming belly laugh that he only does when he thinks something is incredibly humorous. And then he put his arms out and hugged me.
Cole walked in a couple of seconds later, took one look at me, and started kissing my face repeatedly.
And in that split second of laughter, hugs, and kisses, I knew.
I’m not a failure. I’m a mom. And it will be okay.